"Make me broken, so I can be healed.
'Cause I'm so calloused,
and now I can't feel.
I wanna run to You
with heart wide open.
Make me broken.
'Til You are my ONE desire,
'Til You are my breath,
Lord, please keep making me."
As I write this, my mind wanders back to the pain I'd endured...
The pieces didn't fit. I kept telling myself that eventually time would heal the wounds that stretched across the surface of my aching heart. I mean, that's what people say, right? "Time heals all wounds." But days seemed like months, and months seemed like years. Would I ever get to the part where time healed me? My soul was frigid with confusion, bitterness. A dark blur surrounded me, my cheeks hurt from forcing a smile. Why did it hurt this bad? Being a teenager, not old of enough to really know true love, I thought it wouldn't matter as much, but... a broken heart is still a broken heart.
The tears finally ebbed, and the nights weren't as long, the days weren't as hard to get through. The hurt was still there, but by this time I'd gotten pretty good at numbing it by keeping myself busy. As long as I didn't think about it, it wouldn't hurt as much.
The radio played softly against the backdrop of blurry trees and never-ending fields. A song filled the atmosphere, and my breath slowed to the time of the music. "Make me broken, so I can be healed, 'cause I'm so calloused, and now I can't feel..." That was it. The answer I was looking for. The message of this song reminded me of what I had forgotten, immersed in my own selfish thoughts for so many weeks.
"Time heals all wounds"? WRONG. God heals all wounds. How had I lost sight of that? How had I failed to recognize that Christ, the One who created me, could heal me?? I'd prayed for God to break me of my own desires for months, and now that He had, I'd already forgotten?
An analogy came across my path just a few days ago, and I think it is so appropriate for this topic. Ann Voskamp, a phenomenal Christian author, brought to my attention in the book "One Thousand Gifts," that just like a surgeon, God has to open the wounds, fix the broken pieces, and then sew me back up again for my body to heal completely.
Broken before healed. I couldn't believe I'd lost sight of what I had prayed when singing this song. My sister pointed out one time, "You have to really be careful about what you pray for, Julia..." And she was right. I'd asked God to break me, and He did. Hard. But I'm not sorry I asked for what I did, because my life is so much richer, and I am so much stronger in Him. I've grown and I've healed, and I'm still breaking, and I'm still being healed, but... it's worth it. It is SO worth it. Slowly and sometimes painfully, He is becoming my desire, my breath, my everything.
Photo Credit: http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/broken-hearts/images/33740703/title/broken-heart-fanart
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