And then I stop. The air becomes full again, and I breathe in the cold, but my heart warms, the heat of God's fingers gentle, touching my soul. I am enough. For Christ. I mean, wasn't He the one who came to save me on a cross? Wasn't He the One Who promises to wipe away my tears one day?
Those thoughts comfort me, and I feel whole for a moment, but the doubts creep in again, hours later. I try to push them away, but they are shadows at sunset, growing black, closing in. I pray. And I pray. And I pray.
"What is wrong with YOU personally? Why did he choose you to lie to? Why were you not worth the truth? And will your prayers for his life-changing miracle really get answered, Julia? Do you really believe God is listening to you?" The questions come unbidden, a thief in the night. I squeeze my eyes shut, but they don't leave me. I was there for him through some of his darkest moments, and he throws that back in my face, lies to me, pretends he is someone that he is not. WHAT DID I DO? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
"Nothing. Nothing, my child." I know it's God. I know He is the One speaking to me. I don't hear His audible voice, but I do know that it is Him. It comes from late-night devotions and early rising Bible-reading, it comes from Sunday school messages, from services in church, it comes from chapel sermons, from pastors and evangelists and wise, age-old adults that have spoken it over and over, it comes from whispers that have stuck with me from my past:
Nothing is wrong with ME. Christ loves me so much that He stores even my tears in a bottle. He listens. He loves me, and too much to leave me the way I am. Sure, I am a sinner, but I am a sinner saved by grace. I can always grow, and I make mistakes, but that does not mean something is wrong with ME. I am human, but I am not a failure. No matter if another human has hurt me. My friend is not a perfect person either, and forgiveness seems the only appropriate response because that is what Christ did for ME- me, who is loved, who is not a mistake, who is enough.
I am a Child of God. This helps me sleep tonight.
I hope this has reminded you, that YOU, too, are enough.
Photo Credit: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Lonely_Woman_Watching_Sea_Waves_on_Beach.jpg